Sunday, 2 February 2014

Inner world - outer world

I have been thinking about my inner and outer worlds a lot lately and have realised that I need to come out of my inner world a lot more than I do. I know it has gradually got worse over recent years, since I first got ill with cancer in 2002 in fact. Surviving cancer and then living with the knowledge that it can come back at any time brings its own difficulties. At first there is such inexplicable relief at getting through a surgery (or treatment) but then there is the need to come to terms with still being here but having to live with it. It's not easy and the guilt that you can feel for saying that when you haven't died adds to the weird feelings you are left with.

For me, I have always said that I aged 10 years overnight. Having cancer brings you face to face with death big time even when you survive. It can have a profound psychological effect on your outlook on life. Mainly it makes you so so grateful for continued life and the good side of that effect is that you appreciate every single day of life that follows. The tricky bit is "move away" from the shadow of death that hangs round you and never quite goes away. Looking back over the past 12 years, I can understand why I have retreated into my inner world and also how it has come about but for some reason since being in hospital at the start of this year, I have come to a point where I really am determined to live properly and instil into my silly brain that I am not 85 or 75 but 65 and hopefully still have many years of life to enjoy.

So over the next few weeks I am determined to take steps out of my inner world and into the outer world a lot more...little steps they may be at times, and I am sure there will be some steps backwards every now and then... but I am determined to do it.

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